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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

que sera sera

Dear Hollywood,

I have a bone to pick with you. Well, several, actually. A whole skeleton, more like.

Why don't you make 'em like you used to?

This hiatus from my beloved James Madison University has allowed me to spend some time with some of your classic film stars of the 1930s, etc.

Upon watching the Harvey Girls (great job, by the way), and literally hundreds of other classic films through the years, being indeed raised on them, I feel like I have the right to tell you that you suck, currently.

Now, don't get me wrong. Loved Julie & Julia, You've Got Mail, Mean Girls, and a hand full of others. And, truly, this criticism is not in any way coming from any bitterness from a childhood filled with torment. My mother hugged me a lot. And my local Regal has made a nice chunk of change off of my generous donations (in return for tickets, coke zero and popcorn of course) over the timeline of my life.

I read somewhere that Angela Landsberry was booed and hissed at in public due to her role in Harvey Girls. Judy Garland was so beloved by the public that Landsberry's antagonism was loathed by the movie goers.

And you think about Audrey Hepburn and Doris Day. All of them adored. All of them brought America together.

Hollywood, I ask you: What celebrity have you brought us all together by, lately?

Surely not Megan Fox. Did you know that in order to date her, you have to be tattooed. It's true. Parade in my Richmond Times Dispatch said so Sunday morning. If you're not, she requires you to get a tattoo of her face or her name.

Would Audrey or Judy ever do that? Think about it.

Now, we can all agree, some people like Megan Fox. She may be beloved by people of the male persuasion.

And sure, I mean, we girls have all at one point or another fallen prey to the likes of Johnny Depp and Jude Law. Yeehaw.

But, that doesn't unite us at all. Either way you look at it, you're leaving 50% of the population out of the picture.

Some could even argue that Oprah serves as America's current sweetheart. Guess what? My dad hates her. We named our black cat after her. So, still, no cigar.

Here's my theory about you. You're too concerned with making money, and not concerned enough with making movies that are good and uplifting. The tagline for movies used to be "the happiest musical ever made." True for the Wizard of Oz, true for the Easter Parade.

Now
, the taglines read "sex, sex, sex," and "money, money, money." Well, maybe not in those exact words, but pretty darn close.

Until you get your act together and start producing movies that give us all something to laugh and cry about, someone to look up to through and through. Someone wholesome, someone who everyone adores, I will keep to your better days.

Thanks, you've been very understanding. Please do not let this letter deter you from considering my future screenplays for production.

Love,

Brett

P.S. Something like this is what I had in mind...





Oh, COME ON. The political incorrectness. The green screen special effects. Technicolor. Stereophonic sound. You know you miss this.

Also, Ms. Fox? You're kind of a gilded butterfly, yourself. Are we going to laugh at you someday soon?

Yes, yes, you're very pretty. What else can you do?
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