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Saturday, November 28, 2009

when pigs fly: a tutorial on surviving the swine

Light is your new worst enemy. The faintest whisper sends a spear through your skull. Your nose may as well start doing hurdles, it's running so quickly. Not to worry, you're not transforming into a vampire, or some other mystical creature. You've just simply "achooed" your way into the swine dynasty.

What to do when you find yourself lost in the sauce of the swine flu?

Here are a few tips:

1. Pray. If you don't normally, start.

2. Shut your blinds, roll up a towel under your door so that no light can creep into your bedroom. Embrace the darkness. Note: not the dark SIDE darkNESS.

3. Watch as many episodes of Friends, Seinfeld and Gilmore Girls as possible. http://www.alluc.org/ is a good method for this.

4. Eat chocolate frosties from Wendy's. This will not only help soothe your throat, it will also test the faithfulness of your friends/roommates (Mine, thankfully, are very faithful. Thanks Lauren & Claire, y'all are my sunshine!)

5. Salty soup! Ramen, chicken noodle, brunswick stew (native to Mechanicsville, Viriginia).

6. Do not venture into public, no matter how invincible you feel. If you feel better, cool it, you'll more than likely relapse in the evening and wake up feeling worse in the morning. Learn from my mistakes. An "up and at 'em" attitude should be suffocated through the duration of your illness.

7. Have your grandparents drive 2 hours from Richmond to pick you up and take you home for Thanksgiving break.

8. Exploit your illness by giving yourself an excuse to buy music, shoes, purses, clothes online.

9. Have a swine tray. A tray for your convenience (preferably pieced together by your mother or father). This is so that you don't actually have to touch anything and infect the rest of your loved ones/roommates. You are not Midas. What you touch will not turn to gold. It will turn into a germ-infested pool of distustingness.

No tray is complete without the following: tea bags, tea mugs, honey, Cap'n Crunch, clementines, advil, any medicine with flu relief. Red tastes the best. Applesauce, orange juice and CRANBERRY JUICE. This is very important. I drank (no lie) three gallons of this juice in a week. It's especially good if you add in a splash of orange juice.

10. Finally, rest, rest, rest. And try to remedy your boredom in any which way (that really is the worst part of this whole thing).

Don't panic. Statistics show that half of the country is going to get slammed with this (even Barbie and Ken, according to my picture). I'm just thankful I had it over Thanksgiving break, and still got to skip two whole days worth of classes completely guilt-free!

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